The Ever Changing Spectrum of a Lie
by ridesawhitebike
Summary: Emily has to know, can't leave it alone, even if it kills her
1. Chapter 1

It was the day my Grandmother exploded. I sat in the crematorium listening to my Uncle Hamish quietly snoring in tune to Bach's Mass in B Minor, and I reflected on the fact that it always seems to be death that drew my family together. I looked at my Father sitting two rows away at the front line of seats in the cold echoing chapel. I could see his ears moving in slow circles, he was grinding his teeth, I could hear him in my mind complaining about Scottish people... My brother James sat on his left it was the first time in years I'd seen him, a) not with some bit of girl's clothing on, and b) without his iPod plugged in, and he looked distinctly uncomfortable, fiddling with his newly installed earring. To his right sat my mother, upright and trim, sporting a dramatic black hat shaped not unlike a flying saucer. The UFO dipped slightly as she said something to my father, and he briefly looked my way, smiling uncertainly.

"Emily" My Auntie Antonia sitting next to me, tapped on my shoulder, and pointed to my skirt as she murmured my name. I looked down.

I had dressed in something of hurry in the high cold spare room of my Aunt and Uncle's house, the floorboards had creaked, and my breath had smoked. There was ice inside the small dormer window. I pulled on a pair of black knickers (especially bought from M&S for the occasion) suitably huge, then what I'd thought were a basic pair of black tights (bought at the same time) only on opening them did I realise I'd bought hold-ups by mistake, the skirt I was intending on wearing was pretty short...Fuck. I continued to dress; black shirt, interview shoes, the look I was going for was understated demure, looking in the mirror what I got was sexually predatory waitress, the skirt only just clearing the tops of the hold-ups.

So I peered downwards, a good couple of inches of flesh between the hold ups and the bottom of the skirt, I wiggled in my seat, lifting my bum and pulling down. I whispered "Sorry, Auntie Tone" My aunt Antonia- a ball of pink rinsed hair above her black coat, like candy floss on a hearse patted my jacket "Don't worry dear, I doubt Margot would have minded"

"No" I nodded.

**OoooO**

I remembered the day I'd gone to see her 3 months ago, I'd smiled brightly "A turn around the grounds Gran?"

The courtyard was cobbled, and her wheelchair had bounced and jerked under my hands as I pushed her. She sighed heavily. "What _is_ going on between you and that lovely girl? Naomi."

"We've fallen out Gran", I told her.

"I'm not stupid Emily, I can see that." She looked up at me, frail, but her eyes were still steely, fierce and grey, as they had always been.

"No Gran, I know you're not stupid"

"Well then?" she waved her stick towards the gardens just outside her grand house; I pointed the wheelchair down towards some large oaks. "Well then? She repeated.

I sighed "It's a matter of principle, Gran." I reached the oaks, parked her up, and sat on the bench. Looking around and seeing no-one; I reached into my bag for my cigarettes, offering one to her as well, she gratefully accepted. I lit hers first and we sat for a moment in a peaceful fug of smoke.

"Anyway what's all this nonsense about a matter of principle?"

I turned away, flicking ash onto the path, "Well...she's angry with me because I...we fell out over something a bit silly...we're both stubborn." I shrugged not daring to look at her. "She won't...well I won't...we're not talking, so...

Gran made a clucking noise with her mouth, "That's it?"

I nodded, glancing at her, "That's it Gran."

She seemed to accept my lack of any coherent reason, nodding to herself. She changed the subject. "You're managing to survive at University? You look thin."

"I'm managing fine. (I lied) On a grant (another lie) and a student loan, (yet another lie) and I'm doing some bar work" (Four in a row!) I couldn't get any work, and I'd had to sell Fraud Siesta, the world's most reluctantly starting car, people used to say it was battered, I insisted it had just come from a broken garage...Anyway that money was almost gone as well. She looked at me "Principles." She muttered under her breath.

**OoooO**

I looked the other way across the aisle of the small chapel, sitting next to Hamish was the stunning, the fabulous, the diamond eyed, golden haired Verity. A third step relative by marriage or some such nonsense. Such bliss to look. I feasted my eyes on that gracefully angular form, sat in black like me, looking...translucent, unlike me. Black skirt, black tights? Stockings? Oh my God, the sheer joy in imagining. And shivering, the slick material of her blouse trembling in the light from the dull panes overhead, black silk hanging in folds of shade from her breasts, quivering, I felt my eyes widening, I was just about to look away reckoning that I had gazed to the limits of decency, when the shaven -sided, crop haired head swivelled and lowered, her calm face turning my way. I saw those eyes shaded by heavy makeup blink slowly, she looked at me. Smiled, those diamond eyes marking me. Then the gaze moved on, and I turned away swallowing. Verity Walker. Eating my heart out, consuming my soul.

Bach's mass reached one of its coral climaxes. A wooden framed door slid back to block the hole the coffin had slid into, and a small purple curtain lowered itself over the doorway. The head honcho of the undertakers supervised us as we shuffled out of the chapel. Outside was a calmly sombre day, chill and slightly damp, I could smell leaves burning and I desperately wanted a cigarette. I stood and watched as the two sides of my family hated each other silently from either side of the small birch lined driveway. I thought about going over to talk to James, but he was already plugged back in, and the look from mother dearest told me that a storm was imminent if I tried to speak to her.

"Hi, Emily, you Ok?"

The voice was familiar, I turned around to see Thomas, and Panda strolling up the lane, I smiled broadly.

"Better for seeing you, Hi Panda."

"You just back for this?" Thomas asked nodding his head at the granite of the crematorium.

"Yeah, back to London on Monday"

"I was sorry to hear, Katie told us" Panda spoke for the first time.

I wasn't sure what to say "I'll miss her" I said eventually, I'd been trying not to think about it, ever since I'd heard.

"Heart attack, right?" Panda enquired

"No, she fell off a ladder" I said. "Clearing gutters, the ladder slipped and she went through the glass of the conservatory roof, she was dead by the time they got her to the hospital, shock from blood loss apparently."

"Oh, Katie said she'd had a heart attack. " Panda looked confused

"She did, a couple of years ago, had a pacemaker fitted." I nodded.

We slumped into a silence, Thomas suddenly perked up, "Oh, you were going to tell Emily about the guy you bumped into in that Jacuzzi in Berlin", he nodded to Panda.

She nodded remembering, then looking around, "Not here, later...fancy a pint later?"

"Well maybe", I nodded "I think I have to do drinks and loathing in the bosom of my family first, see you at eight? Keith's?

"Okie Dokie." Panda nodded.

"A _Jacuzzi_, I asked smiling at her and Thomas in turn. "In _Berlin_?"

"It's a shocking and decadent tale, "Panda winked at me, "but you'll be interested...Book matches. "

My eyebrows rose, and I looked seriously at her. "Night club book matches?"

"The very same."

We were disturbed by the sound of a car coming into the chapel too fast, at least 60, exceeding the speed limit by at least a factor of three, braking distance was running out fast. It missed Dad's car by inches as its nose dipped, and the rear wheels scrabbled for grip in the gravel, the car slewing wildly. A wild eyed Dr Fyfe, Gran's doctor leapt from the driver's seat. "Stop" he yelled, slamming the car door, and running towards the chapel, "Stop" he shouted again, a little un-necessarily I thought, as everyone had stopped whatever they were doing the moment his car had come screeching into the drive way. "Stop!"

It was at this point that I insist that I heard a muffled crump, nobody believes me, but that was when it happened.

"Ah!" said the good doctor stumbling just a little before he was caught by the head undertaker, "Ah!" he said again as he slid to the floor clutching at his chest, and to the assembled and still stunned crowd that gathered around him, he announced "I'm sorry, I believe I'm having a heart attack", and keeled over onto his back, nothing happened for a moment, then Panda nudged me in the back and said quietly, "There's a funny thing, eh?" then "Owww! Thomas!"

"Panda." Hissed Thomas, as he elbowed her in the ribs.

"Some-one call an ambulance", somebody shouted.

"Use the hearse." Shouted my father.

"Oh don't worry, I'm Ok." Said Panda, "it didn't really hurt."

They used the hearse in the end, and got the doctor to the hospital just in time to save his life if not his medical reputation. The muffled crump which I still maintain that I heard was my Grandmother exploding; Dr Fyfe had neglected to ask the hospital to remove her pacemaker before she was cremated.

This sort of thing only ever happens in my family.

**OoooO**

The wake was a suitably moribund affair; somehow we all squeezed into Uncle Hamish's tall and narrow town house on the posh side of town, stood around making as small a talk to each other as we could manage and still be polite. I gratefully gulped at the wine James pressed into my hand as he went past the buffet again. I was corned by Uncle Hamish.

"Your Gran's gone to better place". He intoned solemnly.

"Yes, Uncle Hamish," I looked around his bulk to see Verity appear in the hallway. "Actually Uncle..." I started. He interrupted ignoring my feeble protests "She did much that was good and little that was bad."

"She was always very kind to me." I told him.

He nodded, Uncle Hamish is balding, and of the school of thought that long wisps of hair grown on one side of his head and then combed delicately across the pate to the other side look better than naked skin, I watched as the coloured glass of the front door played across his oily scalp, and wondered, not for the first time how my Auntie put up with him. What a prat, I thought.

"Will you join us in prayer later Emily?"

_Oh shit_, I thought, "Actually uncle," I started," I've got to see a girl about a Jacuzzi, probably go straight from here."

"A Jacuzzi?" He pronounced it like a Shakespearean character might announce the name of his nemesis.

"Yes, uncle."

"That's a sort of bath, isn't it? Hope you're not meeting this girl _in_ the Jacuzzi young lady." His lips twisted into what he thought was probably a smile.

"Uncle." I said loudly enough for him to suddenly be worried I was going to accuse him of all sorts.

"Ah, yes, right. "He stumbled. "Will we see you for supper later?"

"No, I'll probably end up with a kebab on my way home" I answered; I didn't hear James behind me.

"Badly packed?" He smiled sweetly.

I choked on the cheap wine

**OoooO**

"She's fucking gorgeous " I slurred "I mean really really fucking gorgeous" I was drunk, getting on towards midnight.

"You asked her out?" Panda leant in, missed the table with her elbow, winced, and waved her hand about. Thomas came to the table carrying more drinks.

"Wow, wicked Thomas", I said, grabbing another shot, and bottle of beer

"Answer me!" demanded Panda banging the small table.

"No, I haven't." I confessed, "I'm shy," I battered my eyelids, laughed. "Also I think she's got a boyfriend."

"Aha." Smiled Panda.

"But he's a wanker." I added," her one flaw, she has lousy taste."

"Still in with a chance then. " Thomas said. Panda laughed.

She placed her nose nearly on mine "Ask her"

"I can't"

"Why not?"

"Because I don't know how to". I protested, I mean, how do you?"

Panda locked scornful. "What rubbish."

"Well smarty pants "I said leaning in wobbling more than slightly, "Have you ever?"

"Hundreds of times, darling." Panda said in a deep voice pouting.

I remembered the Jacuzzi, but before I could mention a guy wandered over to the table "EF?"

"What?" I squinted

"E.F? He said again, "Pool table? You're on."

"Shit, right, C'mon." I staggered upright.

**OoooO**

We staggered back along the wide roads back to my Uncles place; we waited as two cars went past, and swayed across the rain slicked road. I suddenly remembered.

"Oh fuck, Berlin, right" drawled Panda, she took a deep breath, "I was in Frankfurt, seeing this friend from University, met up with...Well, it's a long story, but anyway we ended up in Berlin after a conference, fancy hotel with a swimming pool sized whirlpool bath, and this drunken Scottish bloke." She paused as Thomas' eyebrows rose. "He was trying hard to chat me up, and then he started taking the piss out of my accent."

"Cheeky bastard" I said as we crossed a side road.

"That's what I thought, is it." Panda nodded. "Anyway, he started saying how he knew the place and that a mate of his was pulling this joke on his missus, a doctor friend of his sending her book matches from night clubs all over the world".

I stopped dead in the road. "Effy"

"Exactly what I thought right. I mentioned her name to this fella, and he got right shirty, clammed up, wouldn't say another word to me, left pretty much straight away. Weird? Right?"

We reached the door of my uncle's house. I turned to them. "Thanks for walking me home." I wobbled.

Thomas nodded "Try not to fall in love with any more people tonight, night Emily"

Panda waved at me and together they swayed up the road, I smiled at them as they went. Trying hard to make as little noise as I could I pushed the key into the lock and made my way upstairs to the attic room. I lay on the narrow bed, and tried to remember if I still had Effy Foster's telephone number...


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N; the plot, like custard, thickens...**

I woke slowly in the unfamiliar cold room. My breath fogged, but I was warm under the layers of duvets and blankets. I missed waking with her at times like these. Missed the physicality of having her body next to mine. None of that doe-eyed gazing into each other eyes nonsense, although to be fair when we first started going out there was a fair bit of that. No, it was the familiar weight of her body, the way it fitted that I missed. She had a way of holding me, often at night I'd wake with her spooning me, with her longs arms draped across my body, and her hands lightly cupping me in between my legs. It wasn't overtly sexual; it was like being held, like being possessed by her. We never woke like that, she constantly changed positions, but I lost count of the number of times I'd felt her in the night. I missed it.

I thought about indulging in some Verity driven me-time, but the need to pee was overwhelming, and the smell of Auntie Tone's breakfast bacon rolls wafting up from the kitchen was too tempting. I dressed quickly, if I didn't get a move on, Uncle Fergus would devour the lot. My Aunt and Uncle were part of the Scottish side of the family, my mum's. Auntie Antonia her elder sister, they'd been in Bristol ages, it's where my mum and dad had met, but they clung to their Scottish roots, a little bit of Edinburgh in the heart of Bristol.

I walked slowly down the stairs, feeling a little worse for wear after last night at Keith's with Panda and Thomas, still trying to digest panda's news. I needed to talk to Eff, I fired off a quick text. I wandered into the kitchen at the back of the house, it was warm and cosy the windows were steamed up. Uncle Hamish was hidden behind his broadsheet. Auntie Tone Smiled at me.

"Morning, my dear, sleep well, breakfast, tea?"

I nodded affirmative to all three, and sat hands in my lap as she busied herself placing a plate and mug in front of me. Once she had me off guard, she pounced;

"Emily, are you going to talk to your mother, hmmm?"

I paused, nearly spilling the tea from the pot; I shrugged "I don't think so Auntie."

"It's been how long now? Two? Three years? I think it's gone on long enough, don't you? And now I hear you're not speaking to Naomi?" She looked at me from where she stood at the Aga, stirring bacon around in a frying pan. "You seem determined to ostracize the people who love you."

I took a sip of tea, "Naomi has nothing to do with my mother, Auntie."

"I know dear, and you know you're always welcome here, but still, try. For her sake?"

My phone beeped, a text, I checked it and was relieved to duck out of the conversation; I just had one more favour to ask. "Auntie, can I borrow your car?"

**OooooO**

The drive out to Eff's place in the suburbs didn't take long, I struggled a bit to find their house in amongst all the identical Executive homes, but finally I found it, and pulled onto the driveway of the large newly built house. Effy had opened the door before I could get to the bell, and smiling had pulled me into a tight hug. She looked good; expensive hairstyle, good clothes, life was clearly treating her well.

"Long time no see, Fitch"

I nodded noncommittally, as I followed her into her large sparse white kitchen, As she filled the kettle I looked around at the normal trappings of comfortable middle class around me, fruit in a stylish bowl on the bare wooden table, a full wine rack, stainless steel fridge, a pin board of bills and postcards, it was all so...neat. I'm told it's not uncommon for patients to have feelings towards their doctors; apparently marriage isn't all that uncommon either. Still, it had taken all of by surprise when Effy had announced that she and John Foster had married. None of us had been invited to any ceremony, it had all been done quickly, a trip to the Bahamas, and before you could draw breath they'd come back as Doctor and Mrs Foster. Naomi and I had visited them once, soon after, and Effy had gabbled away like...Well, like a newly wedded bride really, whilst John had smiled away quietly in the corner, like a cat that had got the cream, as well he might. We'd left them as confused and bemused as we'd found them, Naomi had found the whole thing bizarre.

"How's university?" Effy bought me back to reality.

I made a face. "Honestly?" I paused as she looked at me seriously. "I think I'm failing my degree, I've literally got no money, I'm still not talking to either my mother or Naomi, and I'm having less than pure thoughts about a relative. Oh, and about the only sane member of my family just died..." I paused noting the open mouthed look on her face, I smiled weakly "Apart from that, just peachy thanks, how life with you?" She burst into laughter; I couldn't help smiling along at the absurdity of my life.

We spent the next hour or so drinking tea, and catching up on gossip, she knew more about my Sister's life in Paris than I did, weirdly Eff and I had never been that close, but now I was being treated like a long lost cousin, I was finding it more and more difficult to bring up the subject that I'd come here to talk about. After more than a few "Ahhhs and "ummms" as answers, Effy looked at me.

"Something on your mind?"

I fiddled with my cup, took a breath, _here goes nothing_, I thought. "Effy, are you still getting sent those match books from different places, the ones you said you thought were from Freddie, or Cook?"

She stiffened visibly, looking away, after a pause she said quietly "Occasionally." She paused again, drew a breath, "They come randomly, sometimes a couple at a time, sometimes nothing for weeks or months." She stopped.

"Effy", I asked quietly, "Have you ever been sent one from Berlin?"

She looked at me curiously, "Hang on", she left the kitchen and came back some minutes later with a shoe box, she opened the lid, to reveal the collection, she rifled through them and finally, after looking at some more closely, placed a dark blue folding match book on the table between us, the lettering on the back indicated clearly a hotel in Berlin.

"Can I have this?" I asked, and she nodded mutely. We said nothing for a moment before Effy asked me.

"What's this all about"?

I shrugged, I honestly didn't know myself. "Something Panda mentioned, she thinks some-one might be playing a sick game at your expense".

"Is that what you think?" she asked, I could see tears forming in the corners of her eyes.

I looked at her, "I want to know, y'know?" she nodded, and I carried on. "I just want to know where they are, what happened, Ok?"

Effy opened her mouth to say something, when we heard a key in the lock, Effy's head spun around, and she quickly put the lid on the box. After a few moments, Dr Foster came into the kitchen; he looked surprised to see me. He stopped, and Effy started to explain. "Ems was in town for her Gran's funeral, she came out to see me". She crossed over to him, and put her arms around his waist. He smiled, but it didn't seem to reach his eyes.

"Will you stay for dinner, Emily?"

I waved in the general direction of my Aunt's car outside, "Can't, I've got to get back", I looked at my watch, "In fact, I should probably get going..."

"I'll see you out." Effy spoke up suddenly breaking away from her husband. We walked to the front door; Effy reached into her pocket and pressed a couple of twenties into my hand. "He gives it to me, I think your needs are greater than mine". She paused again, and suddenly "There's a journal, Freddie had a notebook, mostly it was just silly stuff, but Cook said there was something in the back, I never saw it. I think Karen..." She stopped as John joined us. I shrugged on my coat, and couldn't help noticing the baseball bat mounted on the wall. John saw me looking. "Aha, the good ole bat", he said happily, the first time I'd seen his eyes light up, "haven't used it in anger for a long time now though", he patted his stomach "Bit past it I think."

In the car I let out a breath I didn't realise I'd been holding.

**OooooO**

I parked the car, and turned off the ignition. Finding Karen wasn't that hard, she worked in the same hair and beauty salon where my Mum had worked before her ill fated foray into the world of wedding planning. I pushed open the door, the receptionist; a young girl now, looked up. "Can I help you?"

"I'm looking for Karen". I saw her out the corner of my eye, and she nodded uncertainly, not quite placing me. She called out to the receptionist, "It's Ok, I'll take my break".

We stood at the back of the shop, Karen smoking, she looked at me uncertainly, and then finally "Emily, right?" I nodded. "So?"

I took a breath "Freddie". I said simply. She looked away as I continued, pulled hard on her cigarette. "Have you heard anything, anything at all?"

She shook her head. "The Police have him as missing, y'know same as Cook, the crazy bastard. She let out a sigh. "I dunno, people go missing all the time, I know, but this isn't Freddie's style, he wouldn't do this".

"D'you know about these? I showed her the match book. She nodded.

"Yeah, I heard that crazy bitch Effy was getting them". She shook her head again, it's not Freddie, Cook, dunno, maybe, it's the sort of stupid stunt he'd pull, the tosser".

"Why not Freddie", I asked her.

She didn't say anything for a while, then "You're going to think I'm stupid. "

"What."

She paused again taking another pull on her cigarette. "I have a mole, here", she pointed to her shoulder.

My eyebrow rose "A mole?"

She closed her eyes hesitated, then "Freddie's mole I call it. It itches when he gets up to no good, when he was stealing dad's beers, or whatever, I'd know 'cause it would tingle". I must have looked sceptical, as she made a face of embarrassment.

"And". I had a suspicion I knew where this was going. She took a last puff on the cigarette, and turned to go back into the salon. "Nothing", she said over her shoulder, "Nothing for years now.

"Karen", I called out to her, "There's a journal, Effy mentioned it?"

She stopped with her hand on the door handle, "Try JJ, I think he's got a lot of Freddie's stuff, you're lucky, I think he's in town doing a gig." She turned to face me; half smiled, then went back into the salon.

**OooooO**

"...and I'm thinking I should be sucking her other earlobe, and I'd like to maybe suck on a nipple, but my neck's still sore, and I'm still trying to think about IKEA self build units to stop myself from coming too soon, but that's not working 'cause all I can think about is drilling and screws, and pre drilled holes, and male and female parts, and I'm stroking her, and she's panting, and it's all going great, and then, just then... THERE'S A NOISE LIKE A RHINOCEROS FARTING. The likes of which you've never heard, it echoes off tall buildings, it leaves your ears ringing, old ladies nearby are calling the noise abatement society. No one EVER mentions the noises..."

I was squashed into the back of the heaving club; I'd only just got in. Bristol's very latest up and coming stand-up was striding about on the stage, the bloke and his wife next to me thought the whole thing was fucking hilarious, couldn't stop laughing, the comedy of recognition and his brand of political and scientific satire had hit a underlying current, and JJ was on the up. The guy laughed again at something JJ said; nearly split his pint over himself and probably wouldn't have cared even if he had. He probably would have laughed all the harder had he known that I was the girl involved in this particularly rude monologue about first time sex.

I shook my head again as the ranting went on, he was prowling the stage like a caged Hyena, grinning and sweating under the lights, no stutter, and no hesitation. Master finally of himself. At Uni he'd been introduced to theatre as part of a therapy course, and he'd never looked back. Already a couple of slots on telly, he was the next big thing. JJ was dressed in jeans, black tee shirt which had F.T.T. on it, and underneath in brackets: (possess carnal knowledge of the conservative party); they were selling like hot cakes in the foyer.

It goes on for a while before finally he signs off with his now familiar "I've been JJ, you've been great, now I'm going, Goodnight" There's thunderous applause, and stamping and whistling, as I make my way towards the stage entrance. The back stage area is crowed, and I see JJ walk past towel wrapped across his shoulders like a boxer after a fight, he's dripping in sweat. I call out, and he turns, seeing me,

"Hey, Emily!" he turns to speak to some-one, and a woman beckons me other, and into his dressing room. I stand in the small room as he peels off his soaking tee, and throws on a new one. I'm pulled into a hug.

"Eeeuuuww, you stink" I pull away, "Nice set, apart from..." It's left unfinished as he interrupts

"Yes, sorry bit of artistic licence I'm afraid", he smiles uncertainly at me.

I smile back, "S'ok the couple next to me thought it was the funniest thing in the world, perhaps I should have given them my autograph". He looks momentarily shocked before breaking into a broad grin. "I'll use that."

It's not until we're leaving the back of the club that I mention Freddie's stuff, and he concentrates for a moment, then. "Most of it is my London flat, I'm back down there tomorrow, I'll dig it out for you if you want". He pauses, "actually d'you want a lift? I've got a ride down with the daughter of one the production crew; I think you know her, Verity Walker?"

**OooooO**

We passed onto the M4 doing a steady ninety trailing light spray, it was a dim morning, and the instrument panel of the BMW glowed orange in front of the delicious, straight-armed, black-skirted, DM booted crop-blonde Verity..Driving like a bat out of hell.

I watched the needle swing past ninety, Jesus, I was sitting behind JJ who was in the passenger seat up front, the speed didn't seem to bother him, I should have sat behind her, then I wouldn't have seen so much of her figure, but I wouldn't have had to watch the speedo either. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat tried not to stare. Verity made a sort of wiggling motion, bum lifted, her back against the driver's seat, the force was applied to those long nylon encased legs, and on each occasion she did this we sped up ever so slightly.

"You Ok?" asked JJ

She made a face "Yup" she smiled and shifted down to overtake. "Problem with wearing sussies, sometimes they sort of pull a bit, you know?"

"I can't c-claim to no," laughed JJ from the front, "I'll take you word for it."

Verity nodded, "Just sorting things out here" she lifted her bum right off the seat this time, and the car went over a hundred, she wriggled and plonked back down again easing off the accelerator a bit.

"That better", asked JJ

"Mm-hum" Verity nodded.

Meanwhile I did my best not to pass out with lust, thinking about what that black mid thigh skirt concealed.


	3. Chapter 3

"Happy New Year!" Panda yelled at me, flashing bottle of vodka with more enthusiasm than care, she cracked the bottle off the wooden door frame but without apparent damage to either. Clad in a sparkling top and stripy leggings, and wreathed in remnants of silly string and clumps and strands of streamers from party poppers. The pub was packed, music spilled out. I was enveloped in a breathy drunken hug.

"I thought you'd given up" I pointed to the fag behind her ear.

"I did," she said, taking the fag from her ear and popping it in her mouth. She left it there for a few seconds, then put it back behind her ear. "See? Absolutely no temptation at all."

I smiled at her, and we made our way into the pub, I saw Thomas, and he waved carried on dancing with a large woman, it was crowded, and noisy.

"Here have a swig," she passed me the half drunk bottle of vodka, "How's it going, haven't seen you in months, not since your Gran's funeral. "

"Fine," I said, "still broke; I can see my degree disappearing over the horizon. Naomi's not even in the fucking country at the moment, but hey, I've still got my dignity" I took a swig, who's here?" I looked around Keith's surprisingly packed pub. She looked at the floor for a minute, "Katie's here, and JJ"

"JJ? Cool, " I looked around "Where? I need to talk to him."

Panda looked shifty "Dancin', last time I saw him," she said, then "Outside I think" she looked worried for some reason, I smiled and wandered off heading to the gravel car park at the back of pub laughingly referred to as the beer garden by Keith.

I went through, past the toilets, and past the utility room, pausing to flick the outside light on as I went, Movement caught my eye as I pushed open the heavy door.

Verity Walker clad in the shortest of LBD was dancing onto of Keith's Landover, JJ sat crossed legged on the bonnet watching her, he glanced over shading his eyes, he seemed to see me. Verity pirouetted. Holding her shoes in one hand she ran the other down over her body onto her thigh, then back up through her cropped blonde hair, the floodlight –harsh and bright- lit her like she was on stage, her hair glowing like pale flames.

JJ jumped of the bonnet, Verity wobbled but recovered well. JJ stood to the side of the car, and held out his hands, and with a big smile on her face she threw herself of the roof into his arms wrapping her arms around his neck, and her legs around his waist. They tumbled backwards onto the car, the impact must have hurt, but she didn't seem to notice or care, her legs and arms staying where they were, JJ's head bent down, and I could see her fingers working and stroking the nape of his neck. After a while JJ disengaged one of his arms and pointed up behind him at the bright flood light, and then made a chopping motion. The second time he did it, I switched off the light.

**OooooO**

Thomas found me the next day sitting down by the old dockside. "Lost track of you at the party last night"

"Oh God, " I moaned lowering my head.

"What's wrong?" he asked sitting down next to me.

"Oh, nothing much. I saw the woman of my carnal dreams wrapping her legs around Bristol's answer to Eddie Izzard like Clingfilm round a sandwich, and it looked like they were enjoying themselves the way...Oh god ...I can't even think of a decent comparison or even an indecent one, which would be entirely more to the point."

"Apart from that, everything Ok, yes?" he smiled at me.

I sniggered, rested my head on his broad shoulder, "What am I doing? I asked, "What should I do Thomas?"

"You must think of her on the toilet." He said finally. "Lust rarely survives thinking about some-one straining for a shit"

I looked shocked at him, and then burst into laughter. "It's lucky you didn't give me that piece of advice last time!" I nudged him.

He stopped smiling briefly. "Last time it was different, more important, yes?"

"I nodded, breathing in, "Yeah, yeah you're right. I looked out across the water. "Time to build some bridges I think"

Thomas wrapped an arm around me, pulled me into a hug.

**OooooO**

"Married" I couldn't help raise my voice.

"Well they're talking about it." My mother poured tea for us both as the waiter placed a large selection of tea cakes and pastries on the table.

"That's a bit soon, isn't it?"

My mother, neat and slim as usual ploughed into a huge meringue like a polar bear breaking through pack ice to get to a seal. She gave a little giggle as a small dollop of cream landed on the tip of her nose, and she wiped it with a napkin. She looked at me coolly. "Don't be silly Emily they're adults, they can if they want." She gave me a look that suggested I missed my big chance, I smiled sneeringly at her. I slurped my tea annoyingly loudly, my mother tried desperately to hush me. "I mean it's not like she's pregnant or anything but-"

"Pregnant!" I practically shouted.

"Emily." My mother hushed me again.

I attacked the Danish pastries and tore them to bits, either imagining it was JJ's flesh or Verity's underwear, I couldn't decide which, I was a little confused.

I fumed and bittered away as my mother finished her loaf sized meringue, and made concerned remarks about how pale and thin I looked, I ate another Danish, she told me how everyone was getting on back home. She paused, gathered herself. "Come home for the weekend please Emily, " putting one hand across the table, she looked hurt, "Your dad misses you terribly."

"I can't," I said pulling away, I've got too much work on, finals are coming up, and I need to speak to JJ about something important. "

"Please, Emily," my mother whispered, "say you will, if not for me then for your dad."

I nodded.

"You promise?" she had asked her brows stitching together; I could tell she didn't entirely believe me.

"I promise" such a sickening liar, making a promise I knew I had absolutely no intention of keeping "I promise" I repeated again. I nodded fiercely, and with utter insincerity "I really do promise"

We said our brief goodbyes outside, and as she pressed a couple of twenty pound notes into my hand I don't think I could have felt any more wretched. I threw the money into the case of a frankly, and thankfully dumbstruck busker on my way to the train station, already running. I felt fainter and fainter, and more and more nauseous, fluid shifting in my guts and a cold sweat on my forehead. Unsure whether it was the knowledge of JJ and Verity or too much refined sugar. After a while I stopped telling myself I wasn't going to be sick, kept telling myself instead I could reach the privacy of the toilets at the train station. Eventually I threw up into a litter bin outside WH Smiths on the High Street.

"You alright, love?" A passing granny asked at my elbow as I heaved up the last dregs.

I wiped my mouth "Yeah, stomach's on strike, foods coming out in sympathy" it was one of Naomi's jokes, and I started to cry at a situation entirely of my own making.

She looked worried "Ah well, here's my bus, you look after yourself my love."

To add insult to injured pride, I left Freddie's Journal and a scarf that Naomi had given me on the train home. I'd phoned lost property but eventually I'd lost it, when I'd detected a hint of sarcasm after my third or fourth call, and started shouting at them, and they hung up on me. Rejected by lost property; it seemed like the ultimate insult.

**OooooO**

"Oh Emily" Katie said with more despair than disgust. "You're kidding, right?" She looked at me across the table in the Indian restaurant. "One; she's straight, two; you have a girlfriend," she paused, "You still have a girlfriend, right?" I nodded. I'd told her everything, from the loss of the journal to my feelings of guilt and despair.

I picked up a bit of spare piece of naan bread and mopped up my sauce. The Naan was huge, we'd stuffed ourselves with it during the meal and it was still enormous it needed a table all to itself; luckily the restaurant wasn't busy "Not so much a naan, more like a toasted duvet." Katie had remarked. I was starved, and Katie was paying, I was still surviving on Tesco Value. A couple of bottles of Pinot Gregio were all that had been needed to extract all the sordid details from my recent troubles. "Fucking hell Ems, why?" She looked actually concerned I thought. I was actually quite nice I thought , to have people worried about you, although at the same time I hated her for it, but that's one of the emotions you get used to when you're on a bit of self destructive downward spiral, although at the moment mine felt like a bit of a full powered nose dive. Katie glared at me across the table; she was apparently trying to out-stare me, which was bad for her as I'm pretty good at this game, and I didn't allow my eyes to waiver.

A waiter appeared from behind her, I noticed. Without talking my eyes off hers, I felt the grin broaden on my lips, the waiter would distract her, as she was paying he'd go straight to her, and she almost certainly hadn't seen him coming. Katie raised her hand ever so slightly, and just as the waiter appeared at her shoulder, she tipped the remains of the wine into my lap, Just as I was reacting and saying "wha-" and jerking forward, she turned smoothly to him and with a broad smile "The bill please."

"It does look like I've pissed myself" I protested as we walked back to my flat.

"Oh shut up Emily"

"You're telling me to shut up," I laughed "You throw drink over me, expect to sleep in my flat tonight, and _you_ tell _me_ to shut up."

"I didn't throw it I tipped it. " Katie stood in the middle of the road, "And I'm only coming back to your flat to get my bag, if that's the way you feel. I'll find a fucking hotel" she looked directly at me. "Emily she said calmly " You've practically exiled yourself from Mum and Dad, and your home and the rest of the family, even fucking JJ thinks you're acting odd, with all this nonsense about Foster and Effy." I opened my mouth to speak, but she carried on regardless; "You're failing your finals, but you've no intention of doing re-sits, you've got no money and god help me, I've had Naomi crying on the phone at me about you. You're acting like such a dick head, and all you can do is make smart assed remarks at me."

She walked into an all night offie before I could protest, and came striding out with a bottle of vodka, she resumed talking "You and me are going to get filthy drunk Emily, and we will get to bottom of this, and I will get some sort of sense out of you, or I'm going to break this bottle over your skull. "

We reached my flat in silence. I threw my keys onto the small table in the hall way, and noticed the flashing light of the ansa-machine, I pressed play, hoping against hope that it was Naomi, the bass tone of my Uncle Fergus droned from the small machine. "Emily, "it began. "It seems that whilst clearing your grandmother's house, we've come across an updated will, it's taken some time to verify it all with her lawyers but it seems genuine. " there was a pause, and some whispering in the background , Uncle Hamish resumed "It would appear she's left you her house, and a considerably sum of money, I'd be grateful if you could contact me as soon as you can."

Katie and I stared at each other.


	4. Chapter 4

It wasn't unlike being in the headmaster's study of a posh school, all old oak, and practiced silence. I sat in more or less the same clothes I had for my Gran's funeral (with more appropriate leg attire this time), my sister to my right, my mother played nervously with her bag, and my father alternated between sitting and pacing beside the large and ornate windows in the large office. Uncle Hamish has insisted in joining us, as it was his lawyers who were handling the whole affair. The delay had been caused by the fact that the new will was hand written, albeit still witnessed, and written with a style and brevity any lawyer would have been proud of. The Lawyer: Mr Blawke made pertinent reference to certain covenants in the will, namely my Gran's insistence on yearly donations to an almost archetypal spread of right on causes; CND, amnesty International, Greenpeace. I suspected conversations with Naomi hadn't been entirely forgotten after all. It had all been as simple as it had looked, Blawke handed me a large set of keys with the merest hint of a smile, then came the formality of the name on the rather large cheque.

"Mum" I said positively

"I'm sorry –"said the lawyer

"Emily ?–" said my mother at the same time.

"Make it out to them," I said, and nodded.

My sister turned to look at me, smiled, mouthed the words _thank you_

Outside my mother hugged me, my father drew me into the renowned 'Fitch hug' and they went away to bank the money that would rescue them from their debt for good. Katie and I wandered aimlessly for a bit, before she let out a huff, and taking my hand headed for an off-licence where she bought the most expensive bottle of champagne they had. I had no money after all. Still taking charge she led me to what was now legally my house. As we rounded the corner, and it came into view, I stopped.

Katie looked around" You Ok?"

I shook my head, and she walked back a few paces to my side "C'mon, " she said gently. I pulled on her hand, and instead of going onto the large town house, we instead headed off to the small park I'd pushed Gran into all that time ago. We sat on the same bench, and Katie popped the champagne with a small whoop. We drank it straight from the bottle, and Katie lit a spliff she kept in her bag for emergencies. The city lay out before us, and we watched the sun set.

I think Margot would have approved.

And so I moved into an enormous town house on the edge of the city centre later on that week. The high ceilings and vast windows appeared to have been the work of an architect anticipating the design of aircraft hangers, the interior was crammed floor to ornate ceiling with paintings, rugs, chandeliers, life sized ceramics of Greeks and large cats, statues and objets d'art occupied every nook and cranny, all interspersed with heavy wooden furniture that looked like it had been hewn from volcanoes. Panda and Thomas, and my sister for that matter instantly suggested a massive party, but on seeing the place agreed that to inflict that sort of damage on the place would have been a cultural disaster normally only witnessed at Coldplay concerts. I took great delight in aiming to sleep in all seven bedrooms, however I found myself reluctant to use the master bedroom, and not simply because it had been my Gran's room, it felt wrong without Naomi. The only work that needed doing straight away was to repair the still damaged conservatory roof. I had to borrow money from my Mum.

**OoooO**

JJ and I sat on the bench away from the house, we'd bought ice cream from the van just outside the gate, and we sat in a sort of uncomfortable silence some distance apart. Finally he turned and spoke to me.

"Were you really that...you know, keen on Verity?" JJ looked awkward, he crossed and uncrossed his arms, "I mean are you?"

I concentrated on my ice cream, "It was just...infatuation, not really...y'know. " I sighed heavily, "Sorry" I looked at him and at the same time we grinned, he still looked awkward, he bit on his top lip

I knew, just like that.

"You _are_ getting married, " I said gulping.

JJ looked at me with wide eyes "She's _pregnant_?" I spluttered.

JJ's mouth was hanging open. He shut it quickly; He wiped his face with his hand. "Um both, almost certainly." JJ nodded, and his smile was flickering. Uncertain, just like the JJ of old.

"Fooof" I said. Seemed as appropriate as anything really.

JJ stuttered "Wasn't exactly planned, to tell you the truth, but...well, I mean we both...this is what we want, and so y'know...Fuck it. " He sounded almost apologetic.

I shook my head and smiled at him. "You total bastard." He looked at me surprised, concerned, but I suppose my grin must have been convincing, sincere "I hate you. But I hope you're disgustingly happy," I shifted over to him along the bench, "Obscenely happy" I said. I hugged him tightly

"Man, " he said, "I didn't know how you'd take it."

"So when's the big event?"

"Which one?" JJ smiled; embarrassed. He shrugged. "We thought summer, the baby thinks September."

I let out a long shuddering sigh, my head feeling decidedly swimmy. I looked over at him "Marriage eh?" I raised an eyebrow, "How d'you think you'll take to it?"

"Like a lemming to water." JJ grinned. It was only later I discovered the little buggers are perfectly good swimmers.

**OooooO**

"Emily? Taking a breather too, eh?"

I'd stepped out of the marquee for a breather, late on, after the disco had started, and the place got even warmer. I looked around in the shadows and saw John Foster. He came into the light spilling from an open flap of the marquee. He was smoking a cigar, the rain had ceased and the garden smelled of earth and wet leaves. There was a sheen of sweat on his brow.

"Yep, " I said, "Just getting my breath back."

John looked into the marquee, "They're a handsome couple, eh?"

I glanced in to see JJ and Verity, hand in hand talking to some of verity's relative, a small boy tugged on JJ's arm.

I nodded "Yes," I said, I cleared my throat.

I was surprised at how uncomfortable I felt in his presence, and I wasn't certain that he couldn't see, and whether I'd sufficiently disguised the fact. We talked for a little while, about my studies, better now, enrolled at Bristol, thank you for asking, He told me about the flying lessons he was taking, oh really? Yes he hoped to be going solo soon if all went to plan. I was relieved when Effy appeared and pulled us both back into the marquee for more dancing.

I nearly didn't hear my phone and it was just as well it vibrated. I looked at the name, and ran outside.

"Hello?"

"-ello, -an -ou hear me?" the line was fantastically bad.

"Where are you?" I practically shouted, and after a short delay, I heard her crystal clear.

"Vietnam. Emily can you hear me?"

"Yes, yes I can." Another delay

"-oming home in a -ew –eeks." A pause, clear again "You still there?"

"Yes, you're coming home?" I still had to shout, a finger in my ear.

"I miss you." Clear again, then the line went dead.

"I miss you too." I said to myself.

**OoooO**

The clock said 4:14 when I woke up, it was a few days after the wedding, I rolled over, but my bladder was at the point where it might or might not be possible to fall asleep again without having to go for a pee. I lay awake for a bit listening to the soft rain hitting the bedroom window, I was in the third (first floor second on the right!) bedroom, and it was I think, my favourite. Maybe the rain had woken me, I turned over to go back to sleep when I started to wonder whether I'd turned off my laptop; I had the feeling I had, but couldn't remember actually doing so. Fuck It, I thought, it would be safe enough, and I rolled over onto my side.

But by now my bladder had woken up properly in the meantime, and now demanded attention. I sighed, swung my legs out, and not bothering with dressing gown went out of my room in a long tee shirt, and out into the landing, I decided to save my eyes from the shock of turning a light on and felt my way along to the bathroom at the end of the corridor.

I sat in the darkness peeing. I flushed the loo, washed my hands, and drank a few sips of water from the tap. I decided to check on the laptop now I was more or less awake, and padded down the stairs to the study across the main hallway. I could just make out the shape of the desk when I opened the door, and listening I couldn't hear the cooling motor whirring or see any lights on it, but I went over to it anyway, I opened the lid my thighs pressing against the cool wood of the desk, the screen saver of a picture of me and Naomi filled the screen, and I went through the close down routine. Yawning, I rubbed my arm where it had brushed against the glass shade of the little desk light. The shade had been hot. So I had left the laptop on after all. Ha, good job I came down otherwise the battery would be...

I froze, suddenly wide awake.

Why was the lamp shade hot?

The little red light on the front of telly in the other corner winked out as if it was suddenly obscured.

I threw myself back from the desk, just starting to sense movement near me: I fell backwards as something dark scythed past the front of my face, and a noise like a wind terminated in a splintering crash. Somebody- just a silhouette in the dim vague shadows of the room lit only by the feeble light from the street outside – stumbled forward just behind where I had stood, arms outstretched in front of them pulling something round and fat out the remains of my laptop. The figure started to turn as I landed heavily on the rug on my back; I kicked out at the nearest knee, wishing I was wearing my winter boots or anything more than just a tee shirt really.

I felt my heel hit a leg "huh!"

Sounded male, thankfully he staggered a little, and then came forward at me an arm raised as I started to roll, suddenly feeling very vulnerable and naked, a smashing noise sounded from overhead, metal and glass, I kept rolling pushing up with my hands and leaping to my feet, glass was falling from the ceiling as something thudded into the floor where I'd lain. I was at the man's side as he staggered forwards again raising the bat or whatever the hell it was. I lashed out again kicking upwards between his legs, and watched him stumble to the floor, something glanced on the side of my head, and I swayed dazed. As my eyes drew accustomed to the light I could see him better now, all in black, gloves, balaclava. His build seemed familiar...

"John?" I heard some-one whisper. It was me.

The dark figure looked towards the hallway, as I staggered towards him across the carpet now covered in glass, I felt along the edge of the desk. I knew there was a large paperweight, and I felt my hand close around it. He stood there maybe only for a second or so, but it felt like eternal hesitation, while he glanced at me and then the hallway again, he moved and I threw the heavy glass bowl at him as hard as I could it connected solidly with the centre of his back, and I heard him clearly "oooffff." I heard the front door slam.

My head felt buzzy as I staggered out of the study, and into the kitchen where I'd left my mobile, found the broken door and two cans of petrol sitting on the table. I grasped at my mobile, not able seemingly to focus, dialled 999 and waited, I remember saying "Police."

A police woman gave me a mug of very sweetened tea, and a paramedic in green insisting that he look at my feet which I suddenly noticed where bleeding all over my Gran's floor, I cried at the fact that she'd be upset by the mess I'd made. The policeman seemed large and official in his wet fluorescent jacket, and I could see blue lights flashing in the doorway, and I wondered if it was them that was giving me a headache. Later my mum arrived, followed by Dr Fyfe, and I remember asking him what he was doing out this late, and how he was feeling, how was the old ticker holding out?

CID were still in the study the following morning, and it was off limits to us. My head hurt, and the cuts on my feet made it difficult to walk. Most of the damage had been caused when he'd stuck the central light fixture in the ceiling; it was the large brass part of that that had hit my head. The desk drawers had been levered open, and the laptop was smashed beyond repair. The kitchen door needed a new lock. I felt like I needed a new head.

They asked me if I knew who it was. I said no.

What else could I say?

I was certain it had been John Foster, but how was I going to convince anyone else? He'd hesitated when I called his name, and I could guess at what he was looking for, but it wasn't really evidence of anything, and he'd have easily denied it.

I felt myself blush at my naivety, but at least I knew, at least I was certain of that. I knew now. I thought about Effy.

The Cessna was spotted by the RAF on radar headed out to sea, flying into an area restricted for missile testing. There was no response from the plane, and a Hawk was diverted to intercept it. It rendezvoused with the light aircraft, and attempted to make radio and visual contact. The crew of the jet reported that the single occupant seemed unconscious, slumped back in his seat. At 1514GMT the Cessna's engine began to cut out and then the plane began to descend, causing the pilot's body to slump forward on the controls dropping into a steeper dive. It fell into a spin and impacted the sea at 1543GMT. The crew reported that at no time had the pilot regained consciousness.

A day later an understandably upset Mrs Foster reported her husband missing to the local police.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N...No? Just as well it's the last chapter then...**

"...Are you sure it was him?" Panda asked again

We were spread around the kitchen, Thomas and Panda, Katie, JJ and Verity back from a week's honeymoon, Verity sat, feet up in JJ's lap, he rubbed her feet absentmindedly.

I nodded, "Oh yeah, it was Foster, alright."

"So you think he had something to do with Freddie and Cook then?" Katie asked.

"I suppose so, either did it himself, or had it done to them," I shrugged, "We'll never know now."

Panda took a long breath, "I went to see Eff, she's at her Mum's, this is gonna fuck her up."

"She doesn't have to know." I looked around at each of them, "I mean, what is it we actually know after all?" I looked at them as they all shrugged or looked away, I continued. "I mean, I'm only guessing that it was him sending the match books to her to make her believe that one of them, either Freds or Cook was sending them to her, I guess he was here to see what I knew." I took a gulp of wine. Hoping that was all he was really here to do.

"What for though?" JJ asked.

"Effy" Panda this time, "they got in his way."

We all sat quietly, trying to take it all in, not really succeeding.

**OooooO**

Life resumed a sort of normality surprising quickly as it does, pushing aside quirks in order to reassert the day to day blandness. I attended lectures, seeming now to catch and hold onto my course here in Bristol that had slipped through my fingers in London. I hobbled around for a couple of days, I was a bit bruised, I locked the doors and double checked them and I soon kicked Katie out after Mum had insisted she stay, and I had to reassure my Mother that; yes, I was indeed fine, at least 3 or 4 times a day for a bit, but life soon returned.

Naomi called from her Charity's offices in New York telling me that she'd be home soon, missing her declared 'couple of weeks' that she'd been so sure of that night of JJ's wedding, nothing new. I tried not to sound disappointed, tried not to argue with her, tried hard not hold it against her, and her one woman crusade to save the world. I told her everything that had happened, about Foster, and him breaking in, I missed out the attack; I didn't want to worry her. Meanwhile the sound of her voice was pulling me apart as usual; it filled me with elation and despair at the same time. I wanted to shout at her but wanted at the same time to tell her that I loved her. In the end it was a desultory phone call. I wanted to call her back to ask to come home, that I was sorry about all the stupid arguments, and the time we'd both wasted, and I sat reaching out at the phone a couple of times, I told myself I was mad, and just to phone her, I should, shouldn't I ? I mean this silly, I definitely should...

In the end I didn't.

My phone went off with a text message in a lecture, buzzing its way across the small table; I grabbed at quickly to turn off the sound. It was from Panda. _'Keiths now'_ I quickly sent one back in the negative, some of us had work to do. It was a short minute before my phone buzzed again, this time from Katie _'Keiths now you twat' _ followed quickly by one from Thomas '_better do as they say'. _ I could picture them all sat around a small table half-pissed, giggling like school kids. I sighed; they weren't going to stop until I agreed. I sent a quick _'OK'_ back, and began to quietly pack away book and pens, creeping out of the lecture hall as quietly as I could.

I pushed open the door to the pub, mouth set, I looked over to the normal corner, to indeed see them all grinning away like idiots, I cocked my head to one side, smiled thinly "One of you better get to the fucking bar pronto." I set down my bag. Katie nodded to the bar, "There's one waiting for you."

I turned to the bar, my heart stopping and racing all at once. There she sat, smiling, looking tired, and dishevelled but beautiful nevertheless. I took a sort of shuddering breath, and walked over on autopilot. I stopped in front of her not daring to speak, not trusting myself.

"Come here often?" She smiled her half smile at me.

I smiled back. "Just the once actually." I pointed past her. "In the loo if I remember rightly." I reached out and touched her face with my hand, she leaned into it, and reached up and held my hand in turn, pulling it towards her and kissing it gently. I had a thousand things to ask her. In the end I settled for "How long?" I couldn't help myself.

A frown crossed her face for just a moment before she relaxed. "Shhh, I'm here OK?"

I nodded, throat closed. "OK." And I was pulled into the hug that I'd waited an eternity for.

We'd dropped her bag at my place and gone straight out to get something to eat, she was ravenous apparently. I made poor jokes all through the meal, I was nervous, I'd had this sort of treatment from her before, meals usual came at a price... It was during coffee that she dropped her bombshell.

"_Canada!_" I said aghast. "When?"

"Tomorrow." She looked down and stirred her coffee. Wouldn't look at me.

I resisted the urge to get up and walk there and then. "Jesus, Naomi, How long this time?" I struggled to take the edge off my voice.

"A few weeks." She whispered. Still not looking at me.

I sat back, crossed my arms, "normal person's few weeks or Naomi few weeks?" the silence of her not answering told me everything I needed to know. "Fucking hell."

Finally she spoke "Emily, please..."

I cut her off, "Don't, don't do the heroic 'I have to' speech, OK? Please just spare me that one." I couldn't keep the bitterness from my voice.

The silence was deafening, finally she spoke quietly. "I have to go, Emily, it's my job, but it will be for a couple of weeks, and then I 'm coming home again, and taking some holiday." She paused. "I asked them to find me a position that doesn't involve travelling, OK?" her head rose, and she looked me in the eyes; "it's time to stop taking you for granted, isn't it?"

I took a breath; I almost couldn't believe what I was hearing. She continued; "I came to see you Em, Ok? Even just for a few hours you're worth it, please; just let's not spend it fighting, just for once, please?"

I nodded.

**OooooO**

We paid and strolled hand in hand back to the house, we tried to avoid the immediate conversation by reminiscing about school.

"Fuck, remember Mrs Phimster's French Class? " I laughed, "You spent all that time learning rude phrases. "Fuck off and die you old cow." Was the witticism I remember best.

Naomi was shocked "You could translate those?"

"I was pretty good at French, Naomi." I reminded her.

"Why didn't you say something?" she asked.

I shrugged, "I thought you didn't like me, what was the point?"

We got back, and I showed her around the house. We opened a bottle of wine in the kitchen - after agreeing first that of course we shouldn't as she had an early start- and then walked from room to room while I did my guided tour bit and pointed out the more interesting or valuable works of art, while we sipped our wine and the statues gleamed and the chandeliers glittered, and the painting glowed in the soft light. Naomi shook her head a lot. When she saw the main bedroom with its ridiculous 4 poster bed she laughed.

We went back to the kitchen, I topped up her glass, "I really shouldn't" she demurred. "I've got an early start, I should get some sleep." Pulling her hand through her hair. "Get me some water, and get me to bed." She smiled. "Do you mind?"

"No, c'mon," I said "I could do with an early night, what time for the alarm?"

"About seven?"

"I'll make tea and toast."

She smiled at me, and closed the space between us. I put my hand on her hip and let my head nuzzle towards hers a little. She put her arm around my waist, and I turned to her, hugged her, my lips at her neck, kissing delicately, I heard her sigh and shudder, she pushed her head against mine, and we stared to turn to each other at the same time I felt her arms pull me close. We kissed. It went on for some time. Naomi seemed to loosen and grow tense all at the same time, her hands grabbed at my hair, nails scratching my scalp, I pulled her to me, and I kissed and licked the pulse point on her neck, she dug her nails into the small of my back through my shirt, and I pulled her dress up, while she wriggled to make it easier, I found skin, her knickers, and pushed my hands inside, gripping her smooth bum, she pulled herself hard into me.

"This." She said breaking off breathing hard, while her hands stroked the nape of my neck, and her gaze went from my eyes to my mouth and back again. "This might be better suited to that preposterous bedroom, what d'you think?"

I nodded, "Good idea."

"Bring the wine."

"Of course"

On my monumentally ostentatious bed, Naomi and I made love like two people who'd done it for years, and then been apart for months and months, just met up, and hadn't forgotten a thing. A couple of times lying there panting afterwards while we trickled with sweat and licked at each other, or were stroking and caressing and thinking about starting all over again, she laughed.

"The room?" I asked.

"No, "she said shaking her gorgeous head, all blonde hair and flushed face, "You and me, I thought I lost you, I didn't think this would happen again."

It was later still when we'd put the light out and agreed to just cuddle, exhausted and drained, but had not been able to merely cuddle, and had made love once more, that she started to cry, her shoulders heaving gently, I held her and shushed her soothingly. She spoke softly "I love you."

"I know, I love you too."

**OoooO**

I woke, and she was dressed, sitting on the bed, a beatific smile across her face which was washed and glowing, and framed by neatly brushed hair. I struggled to get up on one elbow.

"Naoms?"

She put one hand to the back of my head and kissed my lips. "I have to go, " she said.

This can't be happening I thought, please not now, "Don't-"

She put one hand softly to my mouth, her touch like silk, then kissed me again, long and tenderly. "I'm going. The taxi's waiting. Back in two weeks, I promise."

She stood up "see you later." Picked up case and stood briefly in the door way.

I flopped back staring at the ceiling."Fucking Hell" I jumped out of bed as I heard the front door slam; I tore down the stairs naked, and waved from one of the living room windows which went from about my knee level to giraffe's head level. Naomi saw me: I could see her laughing. She lowered the window and waved and pointed at me and made a shocked expression as the cab started away. The driver saw me too, and looked amused and shook his head. The cab drove off and Naomi stuck her head and arms out and blew me kisses through her wildly waving slip-streaming hair all the way until the cab rounded the corner and disappeared.

**OoooO**

The baby came on time, and JJ and verity bought him round early one Saturday morning, Naomi opened a bottle of 25 year old malt that was older than all of us, and an awful lot older than James Fredrick.

"Let's wet his head, "she suggested.

"Let's go onto the roof." I said.

So we climbed up there into a bright late summer morning, we sat on the slates and drank whiskey, taking it turns to hold the baby who remained asleep.

JJ and Verity exchanged glances. "We'd like you two to be his god parents, would you?"

Naomi smiled, "we ought to give him some sort of christening then."

JJ reached into his glass with his fingers and dabbled some onto the boys head "There" he said, "That's all he's getting."

We drank to his health and Verity threw her glass over the edge, JJ and Naomi and I looked at each other drained our glasses and did the same. Young James opened his eyes at this point and let out a plaintive cry. I handed him back to his mother to be fed.

**FIN **


End file.
